We had a friend staying with us for a few days, and I thought we were all on the same page about how long he was going to be there. Six days in, I asked him about his plans to head home, and he looked at me like I’d asked him to solve a geometry problem. “I don’t plan my life that way,” he said. We’re thirty.
Thirty. I stared at him and wondered if I’d accidentally invited a houseplant to live with me. Relatives are the worst offenders, honestly. My aunt came over for a barbecue, used the bathroom, and instead of throwing her used tissue in the toilet or the trash can, she put it in the bathtub.
Just left it sitting there in the tub like it was a decoration. I told my mother, who proceeded to put her on blast in front of the entire family. She doesn’t come to the cookouts anymore, so I guess that’s a win. I once had a childhood friend staying over for a week.
She brought her kid, who was about eight or nine, and that kid got into everything. He’d dig through drawers and open boxes looking for gadgets to play with, then either break them or lose them. We told his parents he couldn’t come back when he got into the kitchen, turned on the glass-top stove while a pizza box was sitting on it, and started a small fire. It was put out quickly, but the house smelled like smoke for about a week.
Some parents just don’t watch their kids, and the rest of us have to deal with the aftermath. I had a college classmate I hadn’t seen in years reach out because he was homeless. I knew he had a drinking problem, but I didn’t know he’d picked up other addictions along the way. It was late when I picked him up and brought him home.
I showed him his room, pointed out the bathroom, told him to help himself to anything in the fridge. Two hours later, the smoke alarm was screaming. He’d found some Benadryl in the medicine cabinet and decided to smoke it. He scorched my coffee table, melted a spot in my laminate flooring, burned a hole in my area rug big enough that I had to replace the whole thing, broke my favorite glass, and smashed my TV remote into pieces.
I still can’t figure out why he did that. The next day I told him he needed to go to the addictions clinic at the hospital and tell them he needed help, because he was a danger to himself and everyone else. Then I showed him the door. My mom had guests over one day while I was at work.
I work eleven thirty in the morning to nine at night, six days a week, so I wasn’t there when it happened. My mom decided to show the guests everyone’s rooms, including mine. A woman I had never met before didn’t like how I’d arranged my room. So while everyone was at dinner, she went in there, rearranged my desk, reorganized the clothes in my drawers and closet, moved all my pictures, and threw out some knickknacks that old friends had given me because she thought they were trash.
She admitted to it, too, and she didn’t feel bad about it at all. My mom was upset, but not as upset as I was. They’re not friends anymore. I think she threw out some of my mom’s knickknacks as well.
My dad collects fossils, and one day he found the lower half of a human jaw. He called the police, but they told him it was quite old and there was nothing they could do with it, so he was allowed to keep it. The jawbone ended up on display in his poker room. My mother’s cousin came to visit, picked it up by each end, pressed them inward, and said, “Oh, is this real?
” It snapped in half. My dad quietly removed the pieces from her hands and left the room. He put it back together with Scotch tape. A paleontologist later told me that Scotch tape isn’t archival and can damage fossils, and that superglue was the right way to fix it.
I passed that along to my dad, but I don’t think he was interested in making it museum quality. One of my mother’s friends is a raging alcoholic who also takes a ridiculous amount of prescription drugs. She stayed with my parents one night, passed out in a leather recliner, and crapped herself in the middle of the night. Instead of cleaning it up, she threw the blanket she was sleeping under over the mess and went upstairs to sleep in one of the beds.
Then she told my mother about it in the morning and left. My mother cleaned that chair with bleach and every cleaner under the sun, but she ended up throwing it out anyway. How could you ever look at it the same way again? The most shocking part is that my mother is still friends with this woman.
My uncle once reorganized my entire kitchen while he was visiting. It was aggravating, but I could have lived with it. Except he moved the fire extinguisher and didn’t tell anyone. So when I accidentally started a small grease fire, I couldn’t find it.
I burned my hands, destroyed my stove, and nearly burned the kitchen down. All because he just had to rearrange my cabinets. My mother-in-law does the same thing. I have a small cupboard next to the stove where I keep my salt, spices, and sauces so I can grab them while I’m cooking.
After she visits, I open it and find straws and napkins instead. I had just bought a car. It wasn’t brand new, but I knew the previous owner, and he was a car guy who took meticulous care of it. He wouldn’t even sell it to me before he’d given the engine a proper service.
Within a week, a friend asked for a lift to the train station. I knew he smoked, so as we walked to the car, I told him specifically to wait until we got to the station before he lit up. It was a ten-minute ride at most. I backed out of the parking spot, drove to the exit, and as I checked my left side for oncoming cars, I heard the distinctive sound of a lighter sparking up on my right.
He couldn’t even wait until we were out of the parking lot. I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, and he said, “Relax, it’s not like it’s a new car. ” He ended up walking to the train station. I had a friend stay over one night after he got pretty drunk and brought a girl home.
She ripped the cables out of his live web servers, cut them up with scissors, and left tiny sharp bits of copper wire in his bed and all over the house. I don’t know what he said to her, but I hope it was worth it. My late partner was very sick with leukemia. After more than a year of being his twenty-four-seven caregiver, I got the chance to go abroad for a work trip.
He insisted I go because I deserved a break, and his deadbeat brother would fill in as caregiver while I was gone. While his brother stayed in our home, he brought his cat, which is a serious problem for someone living with zero immune system. He did the absolute minimum to take care of my partner, leaving him to figure out his meds and food on his own. The final blow was he stole the big piggy bank we were using to save for my partner’s bucket-list vacation before he died, and then denied he did it.
It makes my blood boil just thinking about it. My aunt visited and drank all of my favorite tea, using two bags in each cup. It was the only tea out of the eighty varieties in my cabinet that I’d asked her not to use much of. It was hard to get, too, because only one store carried it, and it was a big trip to go get it.
By the time I went to replace it, the store no longer carried it. My partner recently found it online and bought me a box, so there was a happy ending there. I had a friend recovering from major spinal surgery, and she invited people over for a sleepover to keep her company while she was still in a lot of pain. Her guests ate all of her Go-Gurts she’d saved in the fridge for bad days, encouraged others to join in, hogged the sofa she needed to sleep on because her back couldn’t handle the floor, and acted offended when she left the room to sleep on another couch.
One of them almost broke her laptop doing something she’d been told not to do because it could break her laptop. No matter how much you’ve missed your friends, don’t invite them over for a sleepover when you’re still recovering from major surgery. Also, don’t invite buttholes. Last weekend, I spent all day cooking for my friends.
I slow-cooked chicken all day, made fresh salsa and guacamole, and we all got drunk and ate. I put everything away so I could save it for meals later. I’m poor, so it was supposed to feed me for a while. After I went to bed, this woman took the food out to make tacos and didn’t put it away.
I had to throw away all the food I spent all day cooking. I’m still pissed, and I’m getting mad again just writing about it. My cousin had a trashy redneck boyfriend who would come over and use all of my pots and pans, then leave them for me to clean up after him. One night I got so angry that I dumped the entire sink full of their mess onto her bed and covered it with a blanket.
Never again. I had a house guest turn the toilet paper rolls around to face the other direction. I flipped them back, only to find them backwards again the next day. My feelings on this depend entirely on which way you hang your toilet paper.
A family friend’s kid came over one afternoon while I wasn’t home. The kid got bored and decided it was a great idea to disassemble every Lego build I’d kept over the last ten years. Almost everything was built from imagination, so there were no instructions to rebuild them. I was devastated when I got home and saw Lego pieces spread across the entire floor of my room.
I had a girl I’d met online years prior ask to stay with me. She didn’t shower the whole time, stank up my house, made a massive mess, and ate everything. Then when she was leaving, I was baking a cake for someone at work’s birthday. She said goodbye, left to go to another friend’s house, and I discovered later that day that she’d taken the cake with her.
The next house she went to, she didn’t shower either. That friend lived in a different state, but we all met on the same website and still talk regularly. She ate all their food too, stank twice as bad when a heatwave hit, and drank all their alcohol, replacing it with water and tea. They didn’t find out until weeks after she left because they weren’t big drinkers.
A couple who were friends of my boyfriend asked to watch my home for a little less than two weeks. I left the place sparkling clean, the fridge packed full of their favorite goodies, movie tickets, gift certificates, bottles of beer and wine, and my car to use as they pleased since neither of them had their own car or lived on their own. When I returned home around ten at night after more than twenty hours of flights and travel, the house was filthy. The floor was covered in dirt.
The counters were crammed with stuff as if they’d pulled everything out of the cabinets and just left it there. Empty beer bottles were on every surface. Pistachio shells were thrown on the floor and strewn across my bedside table and dresser. Their dirty underwear was left on the bathroom floor.
The kitchen sink was filled with nearly all of my dishes, which had been used and left dirty. Most of my Tupperware was in the fridge filled with their leftover food. My patio furniture had been pulled into my bedroom and used as a game setup, with my bedroom TV moved to a different spot. They left sex oil on my nightstand.
They somehow broke my washing machine. And they threw out all of my chemical cleaning supplies, replacing them with organic ones, which was just vinegar and water. When I walked into the apartment, they said, “Wow, it’s so weird to have you here. It’s like this was our house and now it’s yours.
” Like, this was always my house. How could they forget that so quickly? They seemed in no rush to leave. They sat in the living room and opened some beer.
I didn’t rush them out, but I also didn’t help them clean up their mess. I was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch while my boyfriend awkwardly made small talk. The next morning, I got a text from the girlfriend saying she thought it was disgusting and rude of me not to wear a bra when I fell asleep, implying I was trying to turn her boyfriend on. First of all, I was wearing a bra.
My nipples are just always rock hard for some reason, and I was wearing a sports bra on the plane, so there wasn’t much padding anyway. Also, if I don’t want to wear a bra to go to bed, I don’t have to, because I’m in my own house. A guest used one of my socks to masturbate, then stuffed it under my couch. I found a crusty sock a month later.
I immediately knew what it was. I put it on Facebook and tagged him in it. My grandma is the kind of person who just can’t relax. A few years back, she and my granddad came to town for Christmas, and she was doing her usual thing of wandering around the house to give herself small chores to stay busy, unplugging lamps, doing insanely small loads of laundry, sweeping up microscopic messes.
It drove my family nuts, but we all learned to ignore it and let her do her thing while we enjoyed conversation and played board games. All of a sudden, she walked straight up to my mom with the confidence of a swaggering pirate and asked, “Dear, do you think we could take everything out of the fridge, look at it, then put it back? ” My mom just looked confused and shocked for a few seconds before she said, “No. ” And then everything went back to the way it was.
We still talk about it all the time. I asked a friend to watch my house while I was away. By watch, I meant check in every few days and bring in my mail. They thought I meant stay there, sleep in my bed, make a huge mess, stink up the kitchen with burned food, and leave it in the pot for a week, ruining the pot.
I was most displeased. A guest freaked out my wife by picking our cat up by its tail. I saw it happen. The cat was two feet off the ground, terrified.
The guest laughed like it was hilarious. His wife apologized, but we threw them both out the door. People who are cruel to animals and think it’s funny are the kind of people you don’t need in your life. My late father-in-law’s girlfriend decorated our Christmas tree.
In my family, the tree isn’t just something pretty to look at. It’s a relic of family history. Every ornament was a gift from a family member or friend, and some were generations old. Decorating the tree was something we all did together, and I wanted to pass that on to my daughter, that each ornament was special and meant something.
I made it clear to her that we were going to hang the ornaments together after we got back from some last-minute shopping. We got back, and she’d decorated the tree herself. She stood proudly in front of it, waiting for us to tell her how beautiful it was. She simply didn’t listen.
A couple I knew came over for the weekend and threw their baby’s dirty diapers under my bed the entire time. It wasn’t fun when I found them all after they left on Sunday night. They also stole fifty dollars’ worth of coins from my piggy bank. When my cousin was my roommate, her trashy redneck boyfriend would come over and use all of my pots and pans, then leave them for me to clean up after him.
One night, I got so angry that I dumped the entire sink full of their mess onto her bed and covered it with a blanket. Never again. I had a houseguest walk in while I was on the bathroom. I had loud music playing from my phone and the lights were on.
It was obvious I was inside. She still entered and didn’t back out after seeing the lights or hearing the music. Only when she saw me naked did she finally leave. She wanted to see me naked.
A guest drank all of my favorite tea and used two bags in each cup. It was the only tea out of the eighty varieties in the cabinet that I’d specifically said not to use much of. It was difficult to get, because only one store carried it, and it was a big trip to go get it. Then right after she drank it all, I went to replace it and the store no longer carried it.
My partner recently found it online and bought me a box. My mother-in-law does this every time she comes to visit, and it pisses me off to no end. I have a small cupboard just next to the stove where I keep my salt, spices, and sauces so I can grab them while I’m cooking. After she visits, I open the cupboard and find straws or napkins.
She moves my stuff around and never tells me where anything is. And if I say anything, I’m the rude one. I had a guest tell me that we get to do what he wants since he’s the guest. But whenever I went to his house, he’d say we do what he wants because he’s the host.
Sounds like my former best friend. He picked the music in the car because I’m a distracted driver. Mind you, this cheap guy never drove because, as he said, gas is expensive. No, I pick the music in my car.
You can play whatever you want in your car, but you don’t take over the radio in mine just because you think my music sucks. My late partner’s brother brought his cat into our home, which was a no-no for someone living with zero immune system. He did the absolute minimum to take care of my partner, leaving him to figure out his meds and food on his own. The final blow was he stole the big piggy bank we were using to save for my partner’s bucket-list vacation before he died, then denied he did it.
It makes my blood boil thinking about it. I had a house guest take explosive shits that left crap spattered all over the toilet every single day for the month he was residing in my house. He didn’t think to clean it up. Not once.
A guest came over, and when it was cold as he left, he took my jacket because he didn’t bring one. When I tried to get it back, he denied taking it and threw it in the trash. He is and always will be a useless sack of rotten pickled dongs. I had a former friend steal my jacket.
He took it because he didn’t bring one and it was cold when he left. Then when I tried to get it back, he denied taking it and threw it in the trash. He is and always will be a useless sack of rotten pickled dongs. I had a guest who was a self-proclaimed authority on everything, from how to properly cook carrots up to how to decorate a Christmas tree.
She decorated the tree herself, and then stood proudly in front of it, waiting for us to tell her how beautiful it was. She didn’t listen to me when I said we were going to hang the ornaments together. Now I have imaginary arguments with her in my head, and I’ve never even met her. But she decorated a Christmas tree that isn’t mine.
A guest asked me, “What do you think would happen if I picked the cat up by its tail? ” I told him he would hurt her and not to do it. He changed the subject, and once my back was turned, he picked her up by the tail anyway. The cat was terrified, two feet off the ground.
His wife apologized, but he just laughed. That’s when you pick them up by the air and throw them out the door. People who are cruel to animals and think it’s funny are the kind of people you don’t need in your life. I had a girl I’d met online years prior ask to stay.
She was from the US, and I’m in the US. She didn’t shower the whole time and stank up my house, made a mess, ate everything. Then when she was leaving, I was baking a cake for someone at work’s birthday. She said goodbye and left to go to another girl’s house.
I discovered later that day that she’d taken the cake with her. The next house she went to, she didn’t shower either. We all met on the same website, and the next victim of her stank was now living in a different state, and we regularly talk. She ate all their food too, stank twice as bad when a heatwave hit, and then drank all the alcohol from their house, replacing it with water and tea.
They didn’t discover this until weeks after she left, as they weren’t big drinkers. A guest came over and made a comment at my son’s first birthday party. My stepmom’s mother, who wasn’t even invited, said, “Your wife says she isn’t materialistic, but you sure have a lot of stuff. ” We were living in a small two-bedroom apartment, and my son’s room, which had toys and other presents, was also my office and the only storage we had.
She sounds like a total bee. I hope we never have to see her again. I had a guest insult my dad’s fossil collection. My dad collects fossils and found the lower half of a human jaw.
He called the police, but they told him it was quite old and couldn’t do anything with it, so he was allowed to keep it, and the jawbone is on display in his poker room. My mother’s cousin picked it up by each end and pressed them inward, exclaiming, “Oh, is this real? ” The piece snapped in half. My dad quietly removed the bits from her hands and left the room.
He put it together with some Scotch tape. A paleontologist later told me that Scotch tape isn’t archival and can damage fossils, and that superglue is the right way to fix it. I passed that along, but I don’t think he ever fixed it properly. I had to throw away all the food I spent all day cooking because a guest took it out after I went to bed to make tacos and didn’t put it away.
I’m poor, so it was supposed to feed me for a while. I’m still pissed, and I’m getting mad again just writing about it. I had a guest who left his trash everywhere and then started to complain because of that trash laying around. Is he a sim?
I had a guest who, when I asked her what her going-home plans were after six days, said, “I don’t plan my life that way. ” We are thirty. Thirty. I had a friend from college come to stay when I found out he was homeless.
I knew he had issues with drinking, but I wasn’t aware that he’d come to include other addictions. He smoked Benadryl from my medicine cabinet, scorched my coffee table, melted my laminate flooring, burned a hole in my area rug, broke my favorite glass, and smashed my TV remote into pieces. I showed him the door the next day and told him to go to the addictions clinic at the hospital because he was a danger to himself and others. I had a couple watch my home for me, and by watch, I meant check in every few days and bring in my mail.
They thought I meant stay there, sleep in my bed, make a huge mess, stink up the kitchen with burned food, which they left in the pot for a week, ruining the pot. I was most displeased. I had a guest who left their baby’s dirty diapers under my bed the entire weekend. Wasn’t fun when I found them all after they left Sunday night.
They also stole fifty dollars’ worth of coins from my piggy bank. I had a house guest turn the toilet paper rolls around to face the other direction. I flipped them back, only to find them backwards again the next day. My feelings on this depend entirely on which way you hang your toilet paper.
I had a guest who used one of my socks to jerk off and then stuffed it under my couch. I found a crusty sock a month later. I immediately knew, so disrespectful. I put it on Facebook and tagged him in it.
I had a guest freak out my wife by picking our cat up by its tail. I told him he would hurt her. He changed the subject, and once my back was turned, he picked her up by the tail anyway. The cat was terrified.
That’s when you throw them out the door. People who are cruel to animals and think it’s funny are the kind of people you don’t need in your life. I hope you’ve had better luck with your guests. If not, you have my sincere sympathy.
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